I spoke to a close friend of mine yesterday. When I say close friend, I mean cradle to the grave close. Her and her dude recently had a baby....a gorgeous little boy. Anyway, she told me that she had some big news for me. So, I'm on the phone salivating with anticipation thinking that whatever it is, it must be juicy. She proceeded to tell me that her dude had proposed to her and that they were getting married....and then there was silence....
I managed to get the words "I'm happy for you" out....and I am. But happy was just one of the emotions that rushed through my body when she gave me the news. The other emotions were anxiety, frustration, and a tad...just a tad....of jealousy. And then there was guilt...the guilt of not being able to be genuinely happy for my homegirl in that moment. I wondered if she could sense the lack of authenticity in my voice when I told her how happy for her I was. It certainly didn't feel natural rolling off my tongue. Then I thought about it, and I realized that she could probably tell the difference. So I leveled with her. I told her that her new engagement just put a mirror in front of my face and made me realize how far I am from where I really want to be. I wanted to go off on a tangent about my tomfoolery of a love life and how I'm not so sure I'll ever find the the ONE, if the ONE will ever find me or, at this point, if there even is a ONE for me. But I felt like the timing was bad so I decided to hold it for another day. LoL
Keeping it real. All I could think was "It's happening". Every woman's fear that she will never admit.......that all her friends will get married and have families before her. I know what you're thinking "Mikki, you're young and beautiful...you have plenty of time." Well, thanks for the compliment. (LoL) And you're right. I am young (and beautiful...let's not forget beautiful). And by the world's standards, I have plenty of time. But by my personal clock...I'm way behind schedule....and not just on the marriage thing but career wise too. It made me realize that I have fallen off of my game and I need to get back on it.
So I guess a little jealousy in this case was a good thing...cuz I'm definitely feeling motivated again.
That's my word and I'm out....
5 months ago