Friday, January 29, 2010

Jam Session

It's Friday....and I just feel like dancing. Allow me to be your deejay for a minute. Let's jump it off with a little throwback to 2007...a great year in my social life. HAHAHAHAHAHA. T-Pain, Buy You a Drink

Now WALK IT OUT!!!!.......


What you know about My Dougie?!!!

Ok...I think I'm ready to go on with my day now. But ummmm...I gotta mellow it out with that new Sade, Soldier of Love...

Happy Friday, yall!

Monday, January 25, 2010

Sleepless in Muncie...

Last night, I did something that I haven't done in a long time. I fell asleep on the phone while talking to my homegirl....and not like the times where you kind of nod off and then come right back. LoL. NO. I fell in...I woke up a little while later with the phone still on my ear but the call ended. And not only did I sleep...I DREAMED! LOL I felt so bad. I called her back and know she talked mad junk about me, but I was too tired to care.

I can't front, I've always been unable to fight my sleep. This is why I try not to do anything when I'm sleepy. I'd be the one to burn my house down trying to cook a late night would be up in flames and I'd be in my bed hugging the pillow. I've also been known to fall asleep while entertaining company at my place. LOL. I know it sounds bad, but when I'm tired...I'm tired. What happened last night, though, was something that hasn't happened to me since..... well, let's just say it's been a LONNNNNNNNG time.

Being back in school full time, in addition to working full time has completely exhausted me...not to mention the emotional exhaustion of the last week. I'm telling yall, I woke up this morning like...


Something has got to give. I'm thinking that I probably have enough time in my schedule to get enough sleep and do everything that I need to do on a daily basis. I really need to work some time in to work out too. What I need to do is make a schedule...and stick to it. That's the mission for the day, come up with a schedule. I'll let yall know how that works out.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

The Choice To Love

Remember the 1st time you chose to love?
Loving my 1st love, was one of the easiest decisions I've ever made. It was like breathing, I just did it. That was before I knew just how complicated love could really be. That was before my love ever had to be tested against anger, hurt, or frustration. It was long before the 1st tearful day or sleepless night...long before the 1st argument or break-up to make-up. That was when choosing love was easy. Ignorance can be such bliss.
It was only after feeling the hurt and pain that came along with the dissolution of that 5 year relationship that I began to even see love as a choice. I had made a choice...a choice to tolerate some things I once thought intolerable...a choice to forgive when everything in me said "RUN". It was also then that I decided to never make that choice again. And I haven't...until now, that is.
I've found that the choice NOT to love is a lonely one. So I'm choosing to love again.
Good choice or bad...Only time will tell...

Sent from AT&T's Wireless network using Mobile Email

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

The Tears

Immediately...there were not a lot of tears. But today, I just can't seem to stop crying. I woke up....I cried. On my way to class....I cried. On my way to my car...I cried. Why won't the tears stop? They are making me miserable. This THING is 3 days old now....why is this happening now? Maybe it's the fact that I don't have to work I actually have time to sit down and think about it...

And it hurts....

Like really.....hurts....

I keep wondering why didn't see the signs...or maybe I saw them but chose to ignore them. Yes, he confessed. Yes, he's sorry. Yes, it COULD be worse..........I have considered all of those things. But at the end of the day, the THING remains. It sits on my chest like a ton of bricks, and I'm just carrying it around with me. I tricked myself into believing that if I just stay busy enough, there wouldn't be enough time to think about it. That plan has totally backfired. I've gotten about 10 hours of sleep in the past three days. I keep trying to wear myself out so that by the time I get home and into bed, I'll fall asleep before the thoughts start bouncing off of each other. And I do....until I wake up 2 hours later and find myself staring at the ceiling.

I pray constantly....asking God for direction. Why is he not responding?...or maybe he is and I've been too busy to listen. That's probably what it is. hmph....stupid plan...


I'm over here LOVESICK.

My stomach hurts, chest hurts, back is aching.....the thought of the THING literally makes me cringe. And THEN there are the tears that refuse to stop falling. How do get past that? Lord knows I want to. Maybe I can't....or maybe I just won't. ugh...I HATE this.

I know one thing tho...If these tears don't stop, it's gonna be a long two days off.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010


"But I'm only broken hearted..."

How did I get here?

Yep...that's me.

It's like I was walking down the street on the most beautiful day you can imagine

(Don't judge my beautiful day....some people like summer...I happen to like fall.)

I'm walking along, somewhat reluntant to enjoy the weather because my gut (my mind) is telling me that it's going to rain, even though the weather girl (my heart) insists that it's going to remain clear. Hmph...what does SHE know? I mean...homegirl has definitely miscalled it a time or two in the past. *side eyes* But I digress...

So...everyone around me is telling me to just relax and enjoy the day. Whole time, I can't stop thinking about the fact that I don't have an umbrella, jacket, newspaper....NOTHING! I came out with no protection trying to trust the weather girl (heart). So if it starts to rain....I'm basically screwed. But it doesn't rain, at least, not immediately. BUT THEN...just as I start getting comfortable and enjoying my stroll through paradise...

Wouldn't you know it?!!! And remember, I wasn't smart enough to bring an umbrella or jacket like these fools in the pic. (not that any of that is helping their foolish behinds. LoL) So, ya girl is out here baddddddddd... like....

Hanging on for dear life!!!! Making that face with it and everything. LoL

I'm so confused. I don't know how I got here. I wasn't supposed to be in love....I hate what love does to me, but I wanted to trust my heart again. I made a choice...a conscious decision to trust my heart. But my heart is a liar. It always has been. How could I, so easily, forget that?...but more importantly...what do I do now? Now my heart wants to believe him when he says that I can trust him. But my mind is like..."R u crazy?!" The really messed up part is that I think I might be.......crazy in love. I'm on a trip, ya'll....destination unknown.....itenerary n/a. How did I get here? Do I stay and see what the end is going to be? or do I grab the remaining pieces of my heart and haul a** to the nearest exit? hhhhhhhhhhgh....stupid weather girl (heart).