Friday, March 19, 2010

Writer's Block

I have writers block.
Even writing this much is a struggle.
Searching everywhere for inspiration.
I have many things on my mind... but nothing that wants to be expressed.
I have no idea why that is.
I have no idea why I'm writing line by line like this.
This sux.
You suck for reading it. LOL
It's like someone is stealing my thoughts.... I think them and then they are gone before I get a chance to write them down.
Haven't journaled in a while either...
Maybe that would be a good place to start....


You Can Hate On Me

Saaaaang Jill!

Monday, March 8, 2010

The Need To Unplug...

Facebook, Twitter, Family, Friends, Church, School, Work, the past, the present, the any given moment, I'm connected to one or more of these things. Hell, let's just keep it any given time, I'm connected to all these the same time. It's always been this way. It's like...I'm not satisfied if I'm not plugged in to multiple outlets at once. I like to think that it's part of who I am. I don't know how true that is anymore. Looking back on it, I think that this need to stay busy is a learned behavior. If you've ever been around my mother for any extent of time, you know what I'm talking about. She never stops. She's ALWAYS on the move and always has people pulling her in several different directions. This is what I've seen my whole life. So, it's only natural that I would subconsciously live my life the same way...constantly going, constantly staying plugged in to several different things at once.
The problem with constantly leaving things plugged in is that they eventually burn out. It's the same thing with people. Nobody can handle the heat that comes along with never unplugging without burning out at some point. The problem is that it usually takes a burnout before we realize that we need a break. Burnout is bad. Once something is burned out, it's useless...and most of the time it can't be fixed. It never works as well as it did before, if it ever works again.
I'm dangerously close to that point. I'm mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted. Right now, I feel very close to useless. I need to unplug for a while here and there. So today, I didn't take any phone calls or respond to any texts...Didn't tweet, fb, or think ab the past, present, or future...I just let my mind be from thought. It wasn't nearly as easy as it sounds and I even felt guilty for a minute, but it was soo necessary.
I needed this...this time to disconnect from everything...this time to reconnect with the Lord. It was a good day :)

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Is It Too Much To Ask...

Is it too much to ask...

...that a guy who is interested in me refrain from, literally, "hollering" at me from his car window? I mean....put SOME effort in.

...that he not, after getting rejected, call me out of my name (ie. "stuck up b*tch")?'s happened.

...that people do what they say they're going to do...when they say they are going to do it?

...that, since I go out of my way to be there for others....that they, at least, make an honest effort to be there for me when I need them? Or at least pretend to...

...that people actually LOOK at the correct spelling of my name before they print it on things of importance (ie. trophies, certificates, diplomas, ect.)? I have to admit...after 24 years...I'm a little annoyed by that.

...that the lady at the Optometrist's Office NOT sneeze on her hand and then wipe it on her shirt?......just NASTY!!!!

...that people not speak about things of which they have no working knowledge? Seems like common sense....but you'd be surprised.

...that people not sing along to songs they don't know the words to? LoL...I know...random...but still....

...that someone actually consults me before making a decision that involves me to spend ANYTHING (ie.time, energy, money, ect.)? Some people have this REALLY bad!

...that a man be truthful about where he is and how he feels? Instead of just saying what he thinks I want to hear...

...that a man NOT send mix signals? I's a long shot. LoL

...that people let their "Yeas" be "Yeas" and their "Nays" be "Nays"...instead of having a different response depending on who is asking?...I find fake people exhausting.

...Apparently so...

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

I Owe Him My LIFE...

Every once in a while, I get in a reflective mood. I start to think about the events of my life and how the hand of God has kept me...through everything. I can't help but give him praise. When I think of his goodness and his heart is overwhelmed with gratefulness. The devil has tried to kill me several different ways, several different times.
A couple of years ago, he almost succeeded. He had killed my spirit, stolen my joy, and wounded my faith. I began to question everything I ever believed. I was angry at God and while I still believed he existed, I wanted nothing to do with him. I was spiritually and emotionally dead and living a lifestyle that would have had me physically following suit soon after. I was depressed and broken. I remember calling my mom and telling her that the devil was trying to kill me. I believe that...even to this day. I was afraid, because I knew he was close. I asked her to pray for me and I did the only thing I knew to do...I went back to church. I knew that God was there and if I could just make it there, I would find my way back to him. I remember praying when I was the 1st time I had talked to God in almost a year. I remember saying "God, me. I don't know what else to do or where else to go. I need you..." I was crying uncontrollably. I couldn't even get anymore words out. It was at that moment of total surrender that I heard God say "I never left you. I've been here all along waiting for you to come back to me." His voice calmed my spirit and his peace fell on me. That night, I RESTED for the 1st time in about 2 years. Everything was different from that point on. He, literally, snatched me out of the enemy's hands. When the devil had me thinking my life was over. God said "You will live and NOT die." When the devil said that I would never know happiness again. God said "Not so. You WILL have joy." I owe him my praise, my LIFE. Because it's only by his grace that I live. Thank you, God!