'I'm in my own world. I speak how I feel. Sometimes I feel like, I'm just too real.'
Lil Kim said that a few years back. Well, with a couple of explicits added in. That quote, though, has always stuck with me. Anybody that knows me, knows that once I decide how I feel about a something, I have no problem whatsoever speaking on it. I've always been that way. In school, my teachers often described me as 'opinionated' and having 'strong convictions'. It was never a surprise to my mom, though. I got it honestly. My grandmother was the type of person that always shot straight from the hip. She told you how she felt and she let you deal with your own emotions about it. She never forced it on you. She wasn't aggressive with it. But if you asked her for her opinion or talked to her about your situation....she gave it to you raw. I'm the same way. I always just assumed that this characteristic didn't bother the people around me. In fact, up until recently, I never even thought about it at all. People would tell my that I'm extremely blunt, but I didn't know what they meant. And to be real, I really didn't care. I was just being the only me I know how to be.
My tongue has always been sharp. I know this about me. If I'm not careful, I'll rip a person to shreds not even thinking about it. This is why, even when I'm provoked, I try really hard to walk away from verbal altercations. Words can be damaging... in an irreversible kind of way for some people. A person with an extended vocabulary such as myself *clears throat* can do a lot of damage in just a few short sentences. So, I censor. I know that's hard for some of yall to believe. But, YES, I DO censor. What comes up does NOT, in fact, come out as some of you have alleged. LoL. One thing I don't do is: fake. I love being Mikki....the REAL Mikki. I find the unadulterated me quite refreshing. *takes sigh of relief* And as long as I'm coming from a good place, I don't see anything wrong with being real.
I've found though, lately, that everybody does not appreciate the kind of real people like me bring to the table. I'm sure some of yall can relate to this. Ever say something with the most genuine of intentions and have the person respond negatively? Ever say something SO real, that it cost you a relationship, friendship, a job, ect? Ever have someone completely shut down on you after you told them how you REALLY feel? Then you know what I'm talking about. I never thought about being 'real' as only an option until recently. I don't think anybody that's, genuinely, real ever does.....until it costs them something. I was faced with such a situation, recently. I was real. And it cost me. A lot. For the first time, I had to ask myself if speaking on what I really feel is worth the potential for loss that it comes with. See, that's what a lot of people don't think about. You can be as real as you want to be. But you have to be willing to take some personal losses because of it. That's the trade off. You get to be real, but they get to disassociate themselves from you if they don't like it....and YOU have to be ok with that. I'm always sceptical about people who claim to be real 100% of the time and also claim to have many friends. It sounds good in theory, but it just doesn't work that way in practice. The truth in inconvenient for a lot of people and 'real' is not nearly as popular as people claim it is. And THAT'S real.
So what do yall think? Is there a such thing as being too real? Have you been in a situation where being 'real' cost you something you didn't want to lose? Tell me about it...
I know what you're thinking... 'You're gone for 2 months and the 1st thing you say when you come back is THAT?' LoL. Just stay with me. It'll all come together at the end.
I know how Frankenstein must have felt. I, too, created a monster. I wasn't trying to, but I did. I'm not gonna bore yall with the details. Let me just say this:
1. Be careful about allowing someone to think they can enter and exit your life at will. Your life does not have revolving doors at the entrance. I'm not saying that you shouldn't give second chances. Hey...give as many chances as you want, but know that, at some point, you have to say "Either you're going to be here or you're not." You have to do that for you. Otherwise, you'll be stuck with a person that never feels the need to commit one way or another....... a monster.
2. Always put a voice to your feelings. Express feelings of insecurity, doubt, confusion just like you express feelings of love, concern, or satisfaction. You have to air those feelings out. If you don't, there's a good chance the object of those feelings won't know you feel that way. And if they don"t know you feel that way, then they don't know there are things that need to change in order for you to be happy. The last thing you wanna do is create a false sense of security. You'll end up stuck with a selfish person that can't take criticism...a monster.
3. If you create a monster, know that it WILL, eventually, kill you. It's a monster, after all. And that's what monsters do. As hurtful and crushing as that is to hear....it's the truth. And when it happens, you can't even be mad, because the reality is that you created it. And we KNOW when we've created a monster. Don't be in denial. Let it go before it kills you.
4. Never build your 'Happily Ever After' around a person. I know that sounds like common knowledge, but it's easy to do when you've been with a person for years upon years. People are not possessions. At any given moment, someone can decide to not be a part of your life anymore and there's nothing you can do about it. Build your happy ending around the promises of God. He KNOWS the plans he has for your life. He's not still trying to figure it out. And the best part of the whole thing is this: He has never, ever failed. He gets it right every time.
Some lessons are hard to learn. I can, honestly, say that these have been the hardest. But I learned them, and that's the important thing. I know I've been MIA for a while, but life has been kinda hard on the emotional side lately. Sometimes I have to take a step back and regroup. I took a hard a punch in September, another one in October, and then another one last month. It's enough to knock anyone off their block for minute. I'm back though! And I'm excited about new things happening for me, as a writer, this year. Details will be coming very soon!!! Thank you all for being patient with me. LET'S GET IT!!! :)
Essentially Mikki is about the real life experiences of a young woman trying to put the word of God 1st. If you are reading E.M., it's because you were invited to be a reader of E.M. It is my hope that in reading, you will be encouraged and inspired or at the very least....have a good time. The thoughts, experiences, and opinions expressed here are those of the author. This is the world through my eyes and I'm so glad that you have taken the time to check it out. However, if you are offended by realness and truth, have no since of humor, dispise randomness, or all of the above.....this is not the place for you. Enjoy!
I am, 1st of all, a servant of God... Second of all, I'm Mikki. It takes a long time to know what all that entails, but this blog is about the closest you'll get. It's here that I express my innermost thoughts and feelings. It's here that you will find what is, essentially, Mikki.