Good morning, God. Thank u for allowing me to see another beautiful day. Thank u for the brand new mercies u r giving me today...u know better than anyone how much I need them. It seems like I find a new way to mess up everyday. Well, God, I've really done it this time. I should have trusted u...instead, I tried to fix it myself...and now look at the damage I've caused. I'm sorry, God. But, more importantly, I'm repenting...I realize that I have to change the way I think...I have to trust you, completely. So, Lord, please help my unbelief. Anyway, remember last year when u spoke to me concerning some ppl in my life? I've been trying to figure out whats wrong with ME for months...trying to figure out y ppl who I've always been ''cool'' with are suddenly giving me the cold shoulder...I was trying to figure out what I did to THEM. Then I remembered the words u spoke through your prophet on 12/31/07...''I'm going to make ppl in ur life transparent. I am going to reveal to u all the ppl around u that lie on u, talk ab u, and speak negative things on ur life. They will be marked by noticable discomfort in ur presence...then they won't be able to stand to be around u at all. But don't worry...u won't lose anything. For every person I remove, I'm going to replace.'' I had forgotten those words until now. But u've done just what u promised. I feel so silly for tripping over it now. And while it hurts to know who those ppl are, I'm thankful for the ppl u've replaced them with....they're awesome. I also thank u for the friends who were real all along...u know who they are. I love them soooo much and I just ask that u continue to keep them physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Thank u for my mom, Lord. She is the most amazing woman in the world to me. She has been through so much....if anybody deserves to be happy, it's Channelle Glover. So, Lord, send peace, joy, lots of laughter, and love her way. Well, Lord...it's time to rock & roll. R u ready? Then I'm ready. I love u, God! Let's get it!
You remember that song by Lyfe Jennings, "Hypothetically"? I LOVE that song. If you don't know it or don't remember it, you can find it below...courtesy of YouTube.
Have you ever kept a secret from your significant other? I don't mean just any ol secret like that time you accidentally bleached their favorite shirt and hid the evidence by throwing it away in a dumpster down the street then "helped" them look for it when they declared it missing. LoL....maybe that was just me. But no...I'm talking about the kind of secret that can ruin a relationship. For example, say you're in long term relationship...at least 3 years. You've been unfaithful to this person in the past. However, they never caught you and you've been faithful to them ever since. Is it ok to keep that a secret? I mean, they never found out...probably never will....and you've already decided to never cheat on them again and you haven't? Do they REALLY need to know?
Or how about this....You have a habit that they don't like...smoking weed, drinking, or gambling for example. They don't know that you have this habit and you've done a helluva job keeping it from them for the past 3 years, because you know how they feel about it because you've heard them talk about it negatively and you know how they'd feel if they knew this was a habit of yours. Your habit is not an addiction...just something recreational that you don't see anything wrong with. It's technically not lying to them because they've never come out and asked you about it. Or is it? Is it okay to keep this from your significant other? I mean, if they haven't found out by now...why do you need to tell them. Besides, who knows? You may be ready to give up the habit soon anyway. It's harmless......or is it?
What about this one?...You have an ex that your significant other doesn't know you still keep in contact with. The two of you are just friends and you don't talk everyday, but probably 3 or 4 times a month and every now and then you get together for lunch or dinner. Your significant other is unreasonably jealous of your ex. You know that if you tell him/her that you still talk to your ex every now and then he/she will demand that you stop. But your ex is a good friend and you don't want to have to choose. Is it okay to not mention it to your significant other? After all, it's not like you're cheating on him/her?....or are you?
I have to be honest (no pun intended) and say that I believe that there are some secrets that are meant to be taken to the grave. And in the past, I have kept secrets from my significant other for fear of loosing them if they found out. My personal philosophy has always been this "If it ain't broke...don't be trying to fix it." But I have to be honest about the effect that keeping secrets has had on at least one of my past relationships. It definitely puts distance between you and the other person, especially when it's an ongoing (still in process) secret. I'm kind of torn though. I often feel that what I don't know won't hurt me. I guess it depends on the secret though. As far as cheating goes....if I don't find out, it doesn't bother me. I'm not the type to go through your things looking for signs of a cheater so as long as you keep it out of my face, I don't know about it. That doesn't mean I want to be cheated on. I'm just saying I'm not about to kill myself trying to catch it....but I won't ignore the signs either.
What do you think? Is honesty ALWAYS the best policy?
I've never considered myself to be a baggage carrier. I guess the truth is that I like to believe I'm stronger than I am. It's kind of a defense mechanism. I've always felt that if people knew what bothered or hurt me...they would use that knowledge against me to inflict emotional pain on me. So in the past, I have had a tendency to deal with my hurt by not dealing with it at all. The trouble with that is this: when you don't deal with the hurt that you feel...you simply carry it around with you everywhere you go. You take it from one relationship to the next, each time taking on a new bag full of issues to carry. Until you wake up one day and realize that you have become this...
wounded and tired from carrying all that baggage around.
That was me two and a half years ago. I had recently lost my boyfriend of five years (let's call him DeWayne) and it felt like my life was falling apart at carefully reinforced seams. I was completely lost and an absolute mess. My heart was broken and I was hurting. It was not a time to get involved with someone else....but I did. In fact, I got involved with several someone elses. I was a one woman search crew looking for the love that I had lost. In the process, there were a few people that came into my life healthy, happy, and ready to love.......but they left my life wounded, depressed, and guarded. Keith was one of those people.
Keith was an all around good guy. Worked hard, went to school, loved God and loved me. He was a family man for the most part. All he really wanted was to be with me and for me to want to be with him in return. He was the kind you take home to meet the family. So what was the problem?
At the time, it seemed like everything. He was too clingy. He came on too strong. He called me too much. He texted me too much. He wanted to spend too much time with me. He didn't understand me.....blah blah blah. Although I didn't realize it at the time, I kept finding things wrong with him because my heart was somewhere else. Don't get me wrong, I had love for Keith. But because I hadn't dealt with my own hurt, I ended up hurting him. I pushed him away when all he really wanted was to be with me. I made him think it was his fault that I left him when really, it was my own issues that wouldn't let me love him the way he loved me. For that, I am sorry. He didn't deserve to be treated that way. I left him confused and insecure and without any real reason as to why.
The point is, I carried the hurt from DeWayne into the relationship with Keith. That wasn't fair to Keith or me. Not only did I cheat Keith out of a real chance to pursue the love he felt for me, but I cheated myself out happiness. If you are hurting, or you have issues that you are carrying around with you....deal with that hurt and those issues before you get involved with someone new. You owe it to yourself and that "someone new". Don't enter something new carrying old baggage. It doesn't work and all you end up doing is using your hurt to hurt someone else then that person hurts someone else, and so on. Give yourself time to heal. Don't jump from one situation to the next without cleaning up the mess first. That's how people get hurt.
This is for Keith...
I'm sorry for the hurt that I caused you. I'm sorry for letting you think that you were the cause of us breaking up when it was really me. I'm sorry for leaving you broken and making you feel like you weren't good enough. I'm sorry for any feelings of inadequacy or insecurity that my actions brought upon you. It wasn't you, it was me. I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me, but even if you never do. I'm still sorry. ~Mikki
I feel like Jazmine Sullivan wrote this song for me...
For those of you who don't have audio...here are the lyrics...
If I could... could forget him I would... please believe me And I know that I should throw the towel in But baby it's not... not that easy You treat me so much better than him And if I was sane there'd be no competition But... but I'm in love with someone else And I'm so sorry I'm in love with another man And I know it aint right
You should go and find someone else Who can treat you right Give you the world Someone who understands the man you are Cause baby you shine so bright And I would just dim your star A girl who'll treat you like you treat them Boy I know there's plenty women Who would love to have a man like you But I'm in love with someone else... I'm so sorry baby I know I aint right... no no no no no no For what I did to you baby
I can't explain why it's him and not you But at the end of the day baby I just don't want to Cause he aint no doctor And we always seem to fight, he got the perfect body And sometimes he don't even treat me right Oh but when I'm with him, but when I'm with him When I'm with him, aint nobody else like it I'm so sorry baby that I have to do this to you But I can't go on pretending... Cause I love him, I love him And I'm so sorry... do you hear me? I'm so sorry but I love that man I love that man... He aint always right , but he's just right for me I'm in love with another man... and I'm so sorry... But I love someone else...
Feel like going in? Here you go! Make sure you have someone around to hold your mule while you shout!!!! LOL Enjoy! Kurt Carr has once again proven himself to be the best praise song writer! And the singers are beasting it!
Kurt Carr with the Kurt Carr Singers "Peace and Favor Rest On Us". This is the lead single from the album entitled "Just the Beginning".
Essentially Mikki is about the real life experiences of a young woman trying to put the word of God 1st. If you are reading E.M., it's because you were invited to be a reader of E.M. It is my hope that in reading, you will be encouraged and inspired or at the very least....have a good time. The thoughts, experiences, and opinions expressed here are those of the author. This is the world through my eyes and I'm so glad that you have taken the time to check it out. However, if you are offended by realness and truth, have no since of humor, dispise randomness, or all of the above.....this is not the place for you. Enjoy!
I am, 1st of all, a servant of God... Second of all, I'm Mikki. It takes a long time to know what all that entails, but this blog is about the closest you'll get. It's here that I express my innermost thoughts and feelings. It's here that you will find what is, essentially, Mikki.