Friday, November 5, 2010

Heaven, I Need a Hug

It has been almost two months since my Grandma passed away. I still have trouble saying she 'died', because she's still very much alive in my heart. I know that sounds cliche'...and we all know how much I hate cliche's...but that's the truth. I don't know if she'll ever 'die' to me. So much of who I am came from who she is....and I say 'is' instead of 'was' because we can all still feel her character, personality, and style around us everyday.

My Grandma played a huge part in raising me. My other Grandparents passed on when I was much younger. So, for, roughly, 15 years, she was my only grandparent. They were tight shoes to wear, but she always made it look so easy. She did it so well, in fact, that I hardly even noticed that I only had one grandparent. She came to EVERY school Grandparent's Day with me. She cooked for me. She gave me unreasonably high amounts of money to do minuscule chores. She rewarded me for good grades. She took up for me when my Momz wanted to kill me. She taught me how to iron a blouse. She even taught me how to drive and then bought my first car, paid for my first cell phone, and took me on more trips than I can even remember. I could go on for hours and these are just things she did for me when I was still a kid.

It wasn't until I went off to school that I learned her in a different capacity. Besides all the material and monetary things she did for me (I can't even begin to name them all), I learned who my Grandma was...just as a person. That was when I found out that there was nothing you could say to her that would catch her off guard or make her look at you differently. She was the least judgemental person I have ever met. I can say that with confidence. It didn't matter what you did, she still loved you. She still cared about you. She still wanted to help you. I can't tell you how many times I called her and said 'Grandma, I got a problem.' and without hesitation, she always said 'What's up?' And she never seemed surprised by anything that followed. She was just cool like that. Sometimes, she would even call me before I even got around to calling her. It was almost like she had some kind of connection to she just KNEW something was wrong. The morning after My HEA and I broke up after 5.5 years, she called...first thing in the morning. And she just said 'You were on my mind when I woke up, is everything ok?' I was so fragile at that moment that the very sound of her voice triggered a break down. I struggled, through the crying to tell her what was happening. I remember her exact words... 'Baby, I am SO sorry. I know you're hurting right now. But I promise it won't hurt forever. You just keep on living. Go ahead and cry today, but tomorrow, put one foot in front of the other and keep moving. That's not to say it won't hurt tomorrow too. It's gonna hurt for while. But you still gotta keep going. You still gotta keep living.'

On nights like last night (when I can't sleep) and days like today (when I can't stop the tears), I remember those words. Words can not even express the heaviness of my heart since she has been gone. I have been, literally, sick over it. But I remember those words and put one foot in front of the other every day. As hard as it is to keep going, to keep living, to keep laughing, to keep enjoying life... I do, because I know that's what she wants me to do. Someone, recently, told me that I make it look easy. I wanted to break down in tears right there. It's not easy at all. It's not me making it look easy, it's the Lord. I know it's him, and only him, that's keeping me right now. I manage to hold it together when people are around, but in the quiet hours, when it's just me and the Lord, I struggle. God is so faithful though. He is always here. He is always with me. So, I know I'll be ok. But today is one of those days.... I could really use a hug.

That's my word. And I'm out. Be blessed.

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