I've always prided myself on being extremely loyal to the people I love. If you took a poll among all the people I consider friends, you wouldn't find one that would say I haven't been a good friend. I'm not saying that for a 'Hero Cookie'. I'm saying it because it's true. Once, I allow a person to be a part of my life, there are very few things that person can do to make me abandon them.
That being said, I've been struggling lately because I've been feeling the need to completely cut some people out of my life... some of which have been friends of mine for years and years. For that reason, I feel very guilty for not wanting them in my life anymore. But the truth is that we no longer have anything in common. And, to be perfectly honest, they haven't been nearly as good of friends to me as I've been to them in recent years.
So why do I feel guilty? I guess part of the guilt comes from my need to protect and look after the people I love. And the other part of the guilt probably comes from the fact that I can still remember, although vaguely at best, a time when they were good friends to me.... I mean, REALLY, good friends to me. Part of me is waiting for those days to return. The other part of me knows that they never will.
That part of me knows that seasons have changed. Trying to maintain friendships that are no longer in season can become really toxic to you, really fast. And that's what it comes down to: The pressure of being a good friend to people that have not been good friends to me, combined with the guilt I feel for "leaving" them (which actually, probably, stem from my own abandonment issues.... but that's another days journey), plus, the disappointment I feel every time they let me down has become a deadly cocktail. It's killing me. It's like Kryptonite to my emotions. It's completely draining me.
So, I've been praying that God will either send these people on their way or give me the wisdom to know how to separate myself and the strength to actually do it. It's time.
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