Jam Session

It's Friday....and I just feel like dancing. Allow me to be your deejay for a minute. Let's jump it off with a little throwback to 2007...a great year in my social life. HAHAHAHAHAHA. T-Pain, Buy You a Drink



Now WALK IT OUT!!!!.......



UH SNAP YA FINGAZ!!!



What you know about My Dougie?!!!



Ok...I think I'm ready to go on with my day now. But ummmm...I gotta mellow it out with that new Sade, Soldier of Love...



Happy Friday, yall!

Sleepless in Muncie...

Last night, I did something that I haven't done in a long time. I fell asleep on the phone while talking to my homegirl....and not like the times where you kind of nod off and then come right back. LoL. NO. I fell asleep...as in...I woke up a little while later with the phone still on my ear but the call ended. And not only did I sleep...I DREAMED! LOL I felt so bad. I called her back and apologized...you know she talked mad junk about me, but I was too tired to care.

I can't front, I've always been unable to fight my sleep. This is why I try not to do anything when I'm sleepy. I'd be the one to burn my house down trying to cook a late night snack....house would be up in flames and I'd be in my bed hugging the pillow. I've also been known to fall asleep while entertaining company at my place. LOL. I know it sounds bad, but when I'm tired...I'm tired. What happened last night, though, was something that hasn't happened to me since..... well, let's just say it's been a LONNNNNNNNG time.

Being back in school full time, in addition to working full time has completely exhausted me...not to mention the emotional exhaustion of the last week. I'm telling yall, I woke up this morning like...


DO YOU HEAR ME?! LOL

Something has got to give. I'm thinking that I probably have enough time in my schedule to get enough sleep and do everything that I need to do on a daily basis. I really need to work some time in to work out too. What I need to do is make a schedule...and stick to it. That's the mission for the day, come up with a schedule. I'll let yall know how that works out.

The Choice To Love

Remember the 1st time you chose to love?
Loving my 1st love, was one of the easiest decisions I've ever made. It was like breathing, I just did it. That was before I knew just how complicated love could really be. That was before my love ever had to be tested against anger, hurt, or frustration. It was long before the 1st tearful day or sleepless night...long before the 1st argument or break-up to make-up. That was when choosing love was easy. Ignorance can be such bliss.
It was only after feeling the hurt and pain that came along with the dissolution of that 5 year relationship that I began to even see love as a choice. I had made a choice...a choice to tolerate some things I once thought intolerable...a choice to forgive when everything in me said "RUN". It was also then that I decided to never make that choice again. And I haven't...until now, that is.
I've found that the choice NOT to love is a lonely one. So I'm choosing to love again.
Good choice or bad...Only time will tell...

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The Tears

Immediately...there were not a lot of tears. But today, I just can't seem to stop crying. I woke up....I cried. On my way to class....I cried. On my way to my car...I cried. Why won't the tears stop? They are making me miserable. This THING is 3 days old now....why is this happening now? Maybe it's the fact that I don't have to work today...so I actually have time to sit down and think about it...

And it hurts....

Like really.....hurts....

I keep wondering why didn't see the signs...or maybe I saw them but chose to ignore them. Yes, he confessed. Yes, he's sorry. Yes, it COULD be worse..........I have considered all of those things. But at the end of the day, the THING remains. It sits on my chest like a ton of bricks, and I'm just carrying it around with me. I tricked myself into believing that if I just stay busy enough, there wouldn't be enough time to think about it. That plan has totally backfired. I've gotten about 10 hours of sleep in the past three days. I keep trying to wear myself out so that by the time I get home and into bed, I'll fall asleep before the thoughts start bouncing off of each other. And I do....until I wake up 2 hours later and find myself staring at the ceiling.

I pray constantly....asking God for direction. Why is he not responding?...or maybe he is and I've been too busy to listen. That's probably what it is. hmph....stupid plan...

Meanwhile....

I'm over here LOVESICK.



My stomach hurts, chest hurts, back is aching.....the thought of the THING literally makes me cringe. And THEN there are the tears that refuse to stop falling. How do get past that? Lord knows I want to. Maybe I can't....or maybe I just won't. ugh...I HATE this.

I know one thing tho...If these tears don't stop, it's gonna be a long two days off.

Brokenhearted

"But I'm only broken hearted..."

How did I get here?

Yep...that's me.
Heartbroken.

It's like I was walking down the street on the most beautiful day you can imagine


(Don't judge my beautiful day....some people like summer...I happen to like fall.)

I'm walking along, somewhat reluntant to enjoy the weather because my gut (my mind) is telling me that it's going to rain, even though the weather girl (my heart) insists that it's going to remain clear. Hmph...what does SHE know? I mean...homegirl has definitely miscalled it a time or two in the past. *side eyes* But I digress...

So...everyone around me is telling me to just relax and enjoy the day. Whole time, I can't stop thinking about the fact that I don't have an umbrella, jacket, newspaper....NOTHING! I came out with no protection trying to trust the weather girl (heart). So if it starts to rain....I'm basically screwed. But it doesn't rain, at least, not immediately. BUT THEN...just as I start getting comfortable and enjoying my stroll through paradise...



Wouldn't you know it?!!! And remember, I wasn't smart enough to bring an umbrella or jacket like these fools in the pic. (not that any of that is helping their foolish behinds. LoL) So, ya girl is out here baddddddddd... like....



Hanging on for dear life!!!! Making that face with it and everything. LoL

I'm so confused. I don't know how I got here. I wasn't supposed to be in love....I hate what love does to me, but I wanted to trust my heart again. I made a choice...a conscious decision to trust my heart. But my heart is a liar. It always has been. How could I, so easily, forget that?...but more importantly...what do I do now? Now my heart wants to believe him when he says that I can trust him. But my mind is like..."R u crazy?!" The really messed up part is that I think I might be.......crazy in love. I'm on a trip, ya'll....destination unknown.....itenerary n/a. How did I get here? Do I stay and see what the end is going to be? or do I grab the remaining pieces of my heart and haul a** to the nearest exit? hhhhhhhhhhgh....stupid weather girl (heart).

Sometimes a little jealousy is a good thing...

I spoke to a close friend of mine yesterday. When I say close friend, I mean cradle to the grave close. Her and her dude recently had a baby....a gorgeous little boy. Anyway, she told me that she had some big news for me. So, I'm on the phone salivating with anticipation thinking that whatever it is, it must be juicy. She proceeded to tell me that her dude had proposed to her and that they were getting married....and then there was silence....

I managed to get the words "I'm happy for you" out....and I am. But happy was just one of the emotions that rushed through my body when she gave me the news. The other emotions were anxiety, frustration, and a tad...just a tad....of jealousy. And then there was guilt...the guilt of not being able to be genuinely happy for my homegirl in that moment. I wondered if she could sense the lack of authenticity in my voice when I told her how happy for her I was. It certainly didn't feel natural rolling off my tongue. Then I thought about it, and I realized that she could probably tell the difference. So I leveled with her. I told her that her new engagement just put a mirror in front of my face and made me realize how far I am from where I really want to be. I wanted to go off on a tangent about my tomfoolery of a love life and how I'm not so sure I'll ever find the the ONE, if the ONE will ever find me or, at this point, if there even is a ONE for me. But I felt like the timing was bad so I decided to hold it for another day. LoL

Keeping it real. All I could think was "It's happening". Every woman's fear that she will never admit.......that all her friends will get married and have families before her. I know what you're thinking "Mikki, you're young and beautiful...you have plenty of time." Well, thanks for the compliment. (LoL) And you're right. I am young (and beautiful...let's not forget beautiful). And by the world's standards, I have plenty of time. But by my personal clock...I'm way behind schedule....and not just on the marriage thing but career wise too. It made me realize that I have fallen off of my game and I need to get back on it.

So I guess a little jealousy in this case was a good thing...cuz I'm definitely feeling motivated again.

That's my word and I'm out....