The Tears

Immediately...there were not a lot of tears. But today, I just can't seem to stop crying. I woke up....I cried. On my way to class....I cried. On my way to my car...I cried. Why won't the tears stop? They are making me miserable. This THING is 3 days old now....why is this happening now? Maybe it's the fact that I don't have to work today...so I actually have time to sit down and think about it...

And it hurts....

Like really.....hurts....

I keep wondering why didn't see the signs...or maybe I saw them but chose to ignore them. Yes, he confessed. Yes, he's sorry. Yes, it COULD be worse..........I have considered all of those things. But at the end of the day, the THING remains. It sits on my chest like a ton of bricks, and I'm just carrying it around with me. I tricked myself into believing that if I just stay busy enough, there wouldn't be enough time to think about it. That plan has totally backfired. I've gotten about 10 hours of sleep in the past three days. I keep trying to wear myself out so that by the time I get home and into bed, I'll fall asleep before the thoughts start bouncing off of each other. And I do....until I wake up 2 hours later and find myself staring at the ceiling.

I pray constantly....asking God for direction. Why is he not responding?...or maybe he is and I've been too busy to listen. That's probably what it is. hmph....stupid plan...

Meanwhile....

I'm over here LOVESICK.



My stomach hurts, chest hurts, back is aching.....the thought of the THING literally makes me cringe. And THEN there are the tears that refuse to stop falling. How do get past that? Lord knows I want to. Maybe I can't....or maybe I just won't. ugh...I HATE this.

I know one thing tho...If these tears don't stop, it's gonna be a long two days off.

Hurt people hurt people.

I've never considered myself to be a baggage carrier. I guess the truth is that I like to believe I'm stronger than I am. It's kind of a defense mechanism. I've always felt that if people knew what bothered or hurt me...they would use that knowledge against me to inflict emotional pain on me. So in the past, I have had a tendency to deal with my hurt by not dealing with it at all. The trouble with that is this: when you don't deal with the hurt that you feel...you simply carry it around with you everywhere you go. You take it from one relationship to the next, each time taking on a new bag full of issues to carry. Until you wake up one day and realize that you have become this...



wounded and tired from carrying all that baggage around.

That was me two and a half years ago. I had recently lost my boyfriend of five years (let's call him DeWayne) and it felt like my life was falling apart at carefully reinforced seams. I was completely lost and an absolute mess. My heart was broken and I was hurting. It was not a time to get involved with someone else....but I did. In fact, I got involved with several someone elses. I was a one woman search crew looking for the love that I had lost. In the process, there were a few people that came into my life healthy, happy, and ready to love.......but they left my life wounded, depressed, and guarded. Keith was one of those people.



Keith was an all around good guy. Worked hard, went to school, loved God and loved me. He was a family man for the most part. All he really wanted was to be with me and for me to want to be with him in return. He was the kind you take home to meet the family. So what was the problem?

At the time, it seemed like everything. He was too clingy. He came on too strong. He called me too much. He texted me too much. He wanted to spend too much time with me. He didn't understand me.....blah blah blah. Although I didn't realize it at the time, I kept finding things wrong with him because my heart was somewhere else. Don't get me wrong, I had love for Keith. But because I hadn't dealt with my own hurt, I ended up hurting him. I pushed him away when all he really wanted was to be with me. I made him think it was his fault that I left him when really, it was my own issues that wouldn't let me love him the way he loved me. For that, I am sorry. He didn't deserve to be treated that way. I left him confused and insecure and without any real reason as to why.

The point is, I carried the hurt from DeWayne into the relationship with Keith. That wasn't fair to Keith or me. Not only did I cheat Keith out of a real chance to pursue the love he felt for me, but I cheated myself out happiness. If you are hurting, or you have issues that you are carrying around with you....deal with that hurt and those issues before you get involved with someone new. You owe it to yourself and that "someone new". Don't enter something new carrying old baggage. It doesn't work and all you end up doing is using your hurt to hurt someone else then that person hurts someone else, and so on. Give yourself time to heal. Don't jump from one situation to the next without cleaning up the mess first. That's how people get hurt.

This is for Keith...

I'm sorry for the hurt that I caused you. I'm sorry for letting you think that you were the cause of us breaking up when it was really me. I'm sorry for leaving you broken and making you feel like you weren't good enough. I'm sorry for any feelings of inadequacy or insecurity that my actions brought upon you. It wasn't you, it was me. I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me, but even if you never do. I'm still sorry. ~Mikki

I feel like Jazmine Sullivan wrote this song for me...



For those of you who don't have audio...here are the lyrics...

If I could... could forget him
I would... please believe me
And I know that I should throw the towel in
But baby it's not... not that easy
You treat me so much better than him
And if I was sane there'd be no competition
But... but I'm in love with someone else
And I'm so sorry
I'm in love with another man
And I know it aint right

You should go and find someone else
Who can treat you right
Give you the world
Someone who understands the man you are
Cause baby you shine so bright
And I would just dim your star
A girl who'll treat you like you treat them
Boy I know there's plenty women
Who would love to have a man like you
But I'm in love with someone else...
I'm so sorry baby
I know I aint right... no no no no no no
For what I did to you baby

I can't explain why it's him and not you
But at the end of the day baby I just don't want to
Cause he aint no doctor
And we always seem to fight, he got the perfect body
And sometimes he don't even treat me right
Oh but when I'm with him, but when I'm with him
When I'm with him, aint nobody else like it
I'm so sorry baby that I have to do this to you
But I can't go on pretending...
Cause I love him, I love him
And I'm so sorry... do you hear me?
I'm so sorry but I love that man
I love that man...
He aint always right , but he's just right for me
I'm in love with another man... and I'm so sorry...
But I love someone else...