I am not my hair...

I never knew so many people cared about what I did/do to my hair, until I recently made the decision to cut my hair and go natural. You would have thought I said I was going to have a sex change or something by the way people were reacting. I got a lot of "Are you SURE? and "Why do you want to do this to yourself?" and even the occasional "Are you depressed or something?" LoL. I'm like.. Calm down people. It's just hair. It grows back. The conclusion that I came to is that most of these people were afraid. They were either afraid of what I would look like, afraid of how other people would react to this change, or afraid that the change is brought on by some emotional breakdown. And while I appreciate their concern, I've come to a point in my life where I'm not operating out of my own fear. And if I ain't operating out of my OWN fear, I fa sho ain't operating out of anyone else's. You feel me?

So against popular opinion, I did what my heart was telling me to do, for me. It's an amazing feeling. It turned out cute... but even if it hadn't, I still would have been satisfied because it was never about the appearance of it. It's more about me taking control over the things in my life that I can control and making a choice ...a conscious decision to be happy in those areas no matter what anyone has to say about it. I never knew that it would be such a problem for people. I never knew that it would invoke such emotion on the part of people I love. I never knew that MY decision to cut MY hair and begin the journey to locs would call into question my emotional stability, my sexuality, and even my faith...in some cases.

You see what fear will do to you? Fear will make you take someone you KNOW very well and begin to question the very things that you have always known to be their character just because they alter their physical appearance a little. It saddens me that so many people I love and trust chose fear, 1st. Don't get me wrong... the important people were supportive from the start. The important people know that no matter what I do to my hair, the things that they have come to know and love about Mikki, will always stay in tact. And the changes I make to my outer appearance are merely a reflection of the growth and maturation happening on the inside and more importantly... they know that Mikki is still essentially, Mikki.

Don't let other people's fear stop you from doing what's in your heart. Be happy being you, because at the end of the day, only you can make YOU happy.

That's my word.... and I'm out. Be blessed :))

I know ure tired...

I know ure tired. When I look into ur eyes I see a million battles fought and won. Ur hands display track marks that give testament to the amount u've given over the years. How u've unselfishly given of ureself time and time again, expecting nothing in return. The arms that so firmly hold us all together now begging to let go. The feet that walk us through our most tedious journeys are unwilling to go on. But can we blame them? Haven't they carried our weight long enough? I want to beg u to stay ...stay and fight. But when I look into ur eyes... I know ure tired. So I'll put the selfish part of me to the side. I'll pack it up, seal it, and forget where I put it for a while. I'll put my big girl pants on and graciously let u go. Because when I look into ure eyes... I know ure tired. I'll look into those eyes and promise I'll be just fine. I'll promise to achieve all things I said I would and more. And then I'll do it. I'll graciously... peacefully... let u go, because after all u've given me over the years, the least I can do is give u that. It's the most costly gift I've given, but I'll freely give from my heart, because in my heart... I know ure tired...

Writer's Block

I have writers block.
Even writing this much is a struggle.
Searching everywhere for inspiration.
I have many things on my mind... but nothing that wants to be expressed.
I have no idea why that is.
I have no idea why I'm writing line by line like this.
This sux.
You suck for reading it. LOL
It's like someone is stealing my thoughts.... I think them and then they are gone before I get a chance to write them down.
Haven't journaled in a while either...
Maybe that would be a good place to start....

hhhhhhghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhghhhhhhhhhhhhhh........

You Can Hate On Me

Saaaaang Jill!

The Need To Unplug...

Facebook, Twitter, Family, Friends, Church, School, Work, the past, the present, the future...at any given moment, I'm connected to one or more of these things. Hell, let's just keep it 100...at any given time, I'm connected to all these things...at the same time. It's always been this way. It's like...I'm not satisfied if I'm not plugged in to multiple outlets at once. I like to think that it's part of who I am. I don't know how true that is anymore. Looking back on it, I think that this need to stay busy is a learned behavior. If you've ever been around my mother for any extent of time, you know what I'm talking about. She never stops. She's ALWAYS on the move and always has people pulling her in several different directions. This is what I've seen my whole life. So, it's only natural that I would subconsciously live my life the same way...constantly going, constantly staying plugged in to several different things at once.
The problem with constantly leaving things plugged in is that they eventually burn out. It's the same thing with people. Nobody can handle the heat that comes along with never unplugging without burning out at some point. The problem is that it usually takes a burnout before we realize that we need a break. Burnout is bad. Once something is burned out, it's useless...and most of the time it can't be fixed. It never works as well as it did before, if it ever works again.
I'm dangerously close to that point. I'm mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted. Right now, I feel very close to useless. I need to unplug for a while here and there. So today, I didn't take any phone calls or respond to any texts...Didn't tweet, fb, or think ab the past, present, or future...I just let my mind be free...free from thought. It wasn't nearly as easy as it sounds and I even felt guilty for a minute, but it was soo necessary.
I needed this...this time to disconnect from everything...this time to reconnect with the Lord. It was a good day :)

Is It Too Much To Ask...

Is it too much to ask...

...that a guy who is interested in me refrain from, literally, "hollering" at me from his car window? I mean....put SOME effort in.

...that he not, after getting rejected, call me out of my name (ie. "stuck up b*tch")? LoL...it's happened.

...that people do what they say they're going to do...when they say they are going to do it?

...that, since I go out of my way to be there for others....that they, at least, make an honest effort to be there for me when I need them? Or at least pretend to...

...that people actually LOOK at the correct spelling of my name before they print it on things of importance (ie. trophies, certificates, diplomas, ect.)? I have to admit...after 24 years...I'm a little annoyed by that.

...that the lady at the Optometrist's Office NOT sneeze on her hand and then wipe it on her shirt?......just NASTY!!!!

...that people not speak about things of which they have no working knowledge? Seems like common sense....but you'd be surprised.

...that people not sing along to songs they don't know the words to? LoL...I know...random...but still....

...that someone actually consults me before making a decision that involves me to spend ANYTHING (ie.time, energy, money, ect.)? Some people have this REALLY bad!

...that a man be truthful about where he is and how he feels? Instead of just saying what he thinks I want to hear...

...that a man NOT send mix signals? I know...it's a long shot. LoL

...that people let their "Yeas" be "Yeas" and their "Nays" be "Nays"...instead of having a different response depending on who is asking?...I find fake people exhausting.

...Apparently so...

I Owe Him My LIFE...

Every once in a while, I get in a reflective mood. I start to think about the events of my life and how the hand of God has kept me...through everything. I can't help but give him praise. When I think of his goodness and his mercy....my heart is overwhelmed with gratefulness. The devil has tried to kill me several different ways, several different times.
A couple of years ago, he almost succeeded. He had killed my spirit, stolen my joy, and wounded my faith. I began to question everything I ever believed. I was angry at God and while I still believed he existed, I wanted nothing to do with him. I was spiritually and emotionally dead and living a lifestyle that would have had me physically following suit soon after. I was depressed and broken. I remember calling my mom and telling her that the devil was trying to kill me. I believe that...even to this day. I was afraid, because I knew he was close. I asked her to pray for me and I did the only thing I knew to do...I went back to church. I knew that God was there and if I could just make it there, I would find my way back to him. I remember praying when I left...it was the 1st time I had talked to God in almost a year. I remember saying "God, please...help me. I don't know what else to do or where else to go. I need you..." I was crying uncontrollably. I couldn't even get anymore words out. It was at that moment of total surrender that I heard God say "I never left you. I've been here all along waiting for you to come back to me." His voice calmed my spirit and his peace fell on me. That night, I RESTED for the 1st time in about 2 years. Everything was different from that point on. He, literally, snatched me out of the enemy's hands. When the devil had me thinking my life was over. God said "You will live and NOT die." When the devil said that I would never know happiness again. God said "Not so. You WILL have joy." I owe him my praise, my worship...my LIFE. Because it's only by his grace that I live. Thank you, God!